I once had an acquaintance tell me she believed therapy was essentially the same as hiring someone to be your friend. Obviously, there are many legal and ethical reasons this isn’t true. More importantly, therapy shouldn’t be like hanging out with your BFF. Instead, therapy should have more in common with a healthy parent-child relationship.
What's wrong with your therapist being your friend? It’s true that there are many similarities between friendship and a healthy parent-child relationship. Both friends and parents and children enjoy quality time together, share thoughts and feelings, and feel love and connection.
However, there is one significant difference between friendship and parenting: Parents have the right and responsibility to teach their children, so their children can be caring parents to themselves as adults.
In an ideal world, parents are aware of this. They intentionally and mindfully teach their children what they believe are the right and wrong things to do, why they believe what they believe, how to do the right thing, and how to avoid doing the wrong thing.
Of course, children also learn by watching what their parents do, and learn how to do what their parents do--whether parents want their children to learn these lessons or not! Whether parents do so consciously or not, for better or for worse, they're teaching their children the skills their children will use to be a parent to themselves.
Friends, on the other hand, have no responsibility to teach their friends how to take care of themselves. You may experience this in friendship, and you may learn from what your friends do, but it’s not a responsibility of friendship. (There are many memes out there that address the tendency of therapist friends to fall into “therapist mode” in friendships, rather than stay in “friend mode.”)
So, in an ideal world, a caring parent teaches you how to be a caring parent to yourself. But what happens if the people who raised you weren't able to that for you? While it's not a therapist's responsibility to teach right from wrong, a good therapist shouldn't be your friend--they should be helping you become a caring parent to yourself.
This matters, because parenting yourself with intention is just as important as parenting a child with intention. Whether you’re reading this because you’re working on narcissism recovery, or you're interested in weight management, if you want to enjoy a life of good health and happiness, you need the skill of being a caring parent to yourself.
How can you know if you’re a caring parent to yourself? And what can you do if the people who raised you weren’t skilled at parenting? One place to start is by understanding parenting styles.
There are four basic parenting styles—autocratic, permissive, neglectful, and authoritative. The autocratic parent is the “Do it, because I said so!” parent. This is a parent-focused style, in which the child is expected to do what the parent says. The autocratic parent tells the child what, when, and how to do things, without explaining the reasons why. Autocratic parents are good at setting boundaries, but generally poor at expressing warmth and caring.
If you grew up in this style, chances are good your self-talk is harsh. And although you may be good at following through on things that others expect of you, it's common to see adult children of autocratic parents struggle with self-care.
The permissive parent is on the other end of the spectrum. The permissive parent allows the child to make the decisions about what, when, and how the child will do things, without setting boundaries on the child's behavior. Compared to the autocratic parent, the permissive parent is warm and caring. But the permissive style is also a parent-focused style. It’s far easier to allow a child to do what they want, when they want, because they want to do something, than it is to establish and maintain boundaries.
Adult children of permissive parents often have more positive self-talk, but tend to struggle with boundaries. Many find it hard to set boundaries on their own behavior, and allow themselves to engage in unhealthy lifestyle behaviors because they don't know how to say "No" to themselves in a loving way.
The neglectful parenting style is exactly what it sounds like--a parent-focused style in which the parent largely ignores the child. The parent may have a substance or process addiction, a personality disorder, or a significant medical concern. When the parent does engage with the child, they may be autocratic, permissive, or authoritative, but overall, the neglectful parent is generally not warm and caring, and generally doesn't set boundaries.
Not surprisingly, adult children of neglectful parents tend to have challenges with both self-talk and boundaries. Depending on a variety of factors, the outcome may look more like being raised by an autocratic parent, a permissive parent, or a combination of the two. Either way, the adult child of neglectful parents may find it challenging to set boundaries, with themselves or others, in a caring way.
The authoritative parent brings together the safety of boundary-setting from the autocratic style, with the warmth and caring of the permissive style. The authoritative parent is able to say “No” in a loving way. They teach their children what to do and how to do things, and explain the reasons for their decisions, which teaches children why do to things. This ultimately creates positive self-talk and boundary-setting skills that help children become caring parents to themselves in adulthood.
In essence, the way parents talk to their children becomes the way children talk to themselves. It isn’t hard to see how the way you talk to yourself affects every aspect of your life, including how you handle healthy eating, physical activity, sleep, hydration, stress, and other aspects that affect your weight. And it's equally easy to see how the way you talk to yourself affects the kinds of relationships you seek out, and how you handle being in relationships.
If you tend to talk to yourself in an autocratic or permissive way, I encourage you to start with one specific aspect of your life, and experiment with authoritative self-talk. For example, you might notice and change the way you talk to yourself about physical activity, healthy eating, hydration, or a healthy bedtime routine. Or, you can focus on a particular time of day, and notice and change your self-talk while you’re getting the kids ready for school, or driving home from work.
The first goal is to notice your self-talk. Is your self-talk compassionate and connected? Are you clear and reasonable, and explaining the how, what, and why about what you expect of yourself and others?
If you see that your self-talk can be more compassionate, your next goal is to work toward talking to yourself the way you'd speak to someone you love dearly. If you observe that your self-talk is lenient, then practice being clear and reasonable about what and why you're setting this boundary. Regardless of what direction your self-talk leans, your “No” should always say "I love you!"
I have one additional tip for you as you're working on self-talk. If you came from an autocratic, permissive, or neglectful childhood, it's very common for people to think (often unconsciously)"I'm never going to get what I need, so I might as well get what I want!" This kind of unconscious thought process makes sense relative to an autocratic, permissive, or neglectful childhood. If this sounds familiar, I encourage you to work with a therapist who can help you heal from childhood hurts.
As always, if you identify challenges changing your negative self-talk or learning how to set boundaries, I encourage you to seek out a therapist who can help you learn to be a caring parent to yourself. A life of good health and happiness depends on your ability to set boundaries with yourself in such a way that your “No” clearly says “I love you." You deserve it!
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