Last week we looked at some of the red flags you’re likely to encounter when you’re dating. There are many more red flags to be aware of, and today we’ll take a look at them.
Before we do, keep in mind that as we discussed last week, red flags may appear red at first glance, but may actually be an orange, yellow, or green flag.
Sometimes clients ask me if their date is “guilty until proven innocent” or if “everyone’s a red flag until they prove otherwise!” It’s not that your date is “guilty” or “innocent.” And your date may or may not have red flags. But your date is human, which means they have, at a minimum, yellow and beige flags. And you need to know what those flags are so you can decide if you’re comfortable with those flags if you want to be in a healthy relationship with them.
So, let’s take a look at the rest of the red flags in dating and narcissism recovery:
Lack of empathy; entitlement; unhealthy need to right, good, or perfect; unhealthy need for power and control; unhealthy need for power and control; use of immature ego defenses; self-centeredness
I’m starting with this group of behaviors because these are what you see in people with narcissistic traits. If you notice that your date struggles with any of these, it’s a huge red flag.
Let’s take a closer look at each one:
Empathy is the ability to care about how someone else thinks and feels—even if you don’t agree with them. You can disagree with someone’s perspective, and still care about how they feel. If you date has difficulty with this, it’s a red flag.
Entitlement is expecting to get what you want, when you want it, because you want it. While it’s human to want what you want, being able to understand that you aren’t entitled to what you want simply because you want it separates immature thinking from mature thinking.
People with narcissistic traits have an unhealthy need to be seen as good, right, or perfect. They may struggle with apologizing, or insist you agree with them or do things their way. Or, they may try to control their image by being overly focused on brand labels, wealth, etc.
Similarly, people with narcissistic traits have an unhealthy need for power and control. It’s normal to care about how other people think and feel, and it’s normal to use your personal power to get your wants and needs met. People with narcissistic traits believe they should be able to control how other people think, feel, and act, and use their personal power in hurtful ways to get their wants and needs met.
The immature ego defenses include projection, displacement, and denial. Projection is when someone says you’re doing something that they’re actually doing. Displacement is doing something hurtful to someone else because they’re hurting. Denial is lying when there is proof. These are behaviors that are normal when children are 4 or 5 years old, but if you see these behaviors while dating, it’s a red flag.
Self-centeredness is exactly what it sounds like: Your date is centered on themselves. While it's normal to care about one's own wants and needs, the self-centered person is unable to understand that other people also have wants and needs, too. Only their wants and needs matter!
Keep in mind that as we discussed last week, mirroring is a common behavior in people with narcissistic traits—they mirror the behavior you engage in, or ask questions to find out what behaviors you expect. They then engage in those behaviors until you’re physically, emotionally, financially, or relationally intimate and it’s hard for you to get out.
You’ll want to see your date engage in healthy behaviors for a period of time, and get confirmation from their friends, family, and others that your date is who they seem to be.
Criminal behavior
You may think this is an outlandish red flag to include. After all, how could your perfectly normal date possibly be engaged in criminal behavior? I suspect this is because the term “criminal behavior” brings to mind media images of a criminal, like a Mafia hit man or a burglar in a ski mask.
But criminal behavior also includes behaviors that are surprisingly common—driving under the influence, shoplifting, domestic abuse, and intimate partner violence. And because these aren’t topics people typically include in their dating profile, or are likely to talk about on the first few dates, you’ll want to get to know your date from their behavior, as well as their friends, family, co-workers, etc.
Active substance addictions (overusing alcohol, marijuana, tobacco, prescription drugs, or using illegal drugs)
Active addiction is a red flag that can easily be overlooked. People who abuse substances are often skilled at hiding their substance use. And just because someone doesn’t have a diagnosis of substance addiction doesn’t mean you’ll be comfortable with your date’s substance use. It’s easy for someone to say that they don’t abuse substances, so you’ll want to confirm this with your date’s family, friends, and by observing your date over a period of time.
Active process addictions (gambling, pornography, food, relationships, shopping)
Active process addictions are even easier to miss than substance addiction, because many of them involve behaviors (eating, relationships, shopping) that are necessary for survival. Like substance addictions, people who are not addressing their addictive behavior can be skilled at hiding it, and it’s not a topic most people discuss when they’re first dating.
Verbal abuse
This is perhaps the most challenging red flag to identify, because our culture doesn’t talk much about how to identify what constitutes verbal abuse. Teasing or joking can be funny, but it can also be hurtful. You’ve probably made a joke that wasn’t funny, so if your date’s comment comes across as rude or hurtful, you may be willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.
That said, insults, criticism, and being demeaning, shaming, or rude are forms of verbal abuse that, statistically, often turn into physical abuse. Even if it doesn’t, being verbally abused is psychologically harmful.
Ultimately, what separates verbal abuse from saying the wrong thing is the willingness to apologize, and then avoid that behavior in the future. If your date takes accountability for their behavior, apologizes, and avoids the behavior moving forward, that’s a potential green flag. If they don’t, it’s a serious red flag.
Physical abuse
At first glance, it might seem as though identifying physical abuse is easier than verbal abuse. But physical touch runs the gamut from loving to playful to abusive, and where those lines are drawn vary from person to person. As with verbal abuse, if your date crosses a line and isn’t willing to make relationship repair, it’s a red flag.
Being physically abusive toward things is also a red flag. A responsible adult who breaks or damages someone else’s possessions, whether intentionally or accidentally, will be willing to take accountability, apologize, and replace the item. If your date breaks or damages your (or someone else’s) possessions and isn’t willing to take accountability, it’s a red flag.
Excessive jealousy or possessiveness
Especially early in the relationship, jealousy or possessiveness is a serious red flag. Your date doesn’t even know you yet—why are they so jealous and possessive? They should still be assessing whether you’re the right person for them, rather than seeking to claim you.
This is also one of the most commonly seen behaviors early in physically abusive relationships. It’s easy for people to dismiss it, but if your date is more possessive of you than you are of them, ask yourself why, and consider exploring your answers with a trusted person before you allow the relationship to become more serious.
Relationship neglect
Neglect is even more subtle than abuse, and what constitutes neglect varies from person to person. Some examples of relationship neglect include minimizing or not caring about how you feel, ignoring you, or refusing to work out concerns about a disagreement when you’re both calm.
I urge you to keep in mind that people with narcissistic traits can appear to be caring and concerned in the beginning of the relationship, when in fact they are faking it until they get you enmeshed in the relationship, either physically, financially, emotionally, or relationally.
Difficulty regulating their own emotions, or difficulty co-regulating you when you’re upset
One of the tasks of childhood and adolescence is learning how to identify and regulate your emotions. When you know how you feel and you know what to do to manage your thoughts and feelings, you can engage in a healthy adult relationship.
It’s not reasonable to expect that you’ll never be supportive to your partner. But if your date has difficulty regulating their emotions when you first start dating, you’ll probably end up in the role of parent, and find yourself focusing on helping them feel better.
It also means they’re probably not going to be able to support you when you’re emotionally out of balance. It’s not reasonable to expect another adult to support you 100% of the time. But if you’re generally able to regulate your emotions, and your partner isn’t able to be supportive, you’re likely to feel more alone in the relationship than you do when you’re alone.
Undiagnosed or untreated mental health concerns (depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, personality disorders, etc.) or physical concerns (diabetes, high blood pressure, vision issues, etc.)
A mental health concern, unto itself, is not a red flag. What makes mental health conditions a red flag is when your date doesn’t see their mental health as a concern, or when they’re aware of their diagnosis but are unwilling to take care of their mental health. You’re likely to end up in the parent role, taking care of your partner through their mental health crises.
The same is true if your date has a physical health problem they're not acknowledging or managing. Having a physical concern is not a red flag. The question is, Is your date a caring parent to themselves? If not, you'll probably end up in the parent role.
Blame others for their past behaviors
Few people enjoy being wrong, but it’s a mark of emotional maturity to accept responsibility for your own behavior. Blaming others for past behaviors is related to one of the hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder—that is, the unhealthy need to be seen as good, right, or perfect. It can also be related to the unhealthy need for power and control. If your date is blaming their past behavior on someone else, they’re probably not going to take responsibility for their behavior toward you, either.
Also, people tend to choose partners who represent their own level of emotional health. So, you can assume your date’s level of emotional health was the same as their most recent ex. If your date blames their ex for the way the relationship went or ended, it’s a red flag unless your date can demonstrate that they’ve done the work to move their mental health to an orange or yellow flag. Many people with narcissistic traits use pity as a way to secure a relationship!
Say they’ve learned from their previous relationships, but are unable to explain how they learned from those experiences (“I thought a lot about what I did and I’ve changed,”)
My clients often take this as a sign that their date has, in fact, though a lot about what they did, and they’ve changed. It’s entirely possible that your date has learned from their previous relationship. But I’m always curious…Why did the relationship have to end before they were willing to think about how their behavior was affecting their previous partner? What has your date learned about self-awareness since that relationship? How can you know that they’ll be open to feedback from you?
Also, while it’s possible your date has learned from their previous relationship and has changed, this can also be a form of mirroring, in which your date reflects the behavior their partner wanted to see without actually making any change. It’s smarter to determine if your date’s behavior is first-order or second-order change before the relationship advances, rather than discovering that your date is just mirroring the behavior they think you want to see.
Say they’re in therapy, but are unable to explain what they’ve learned/are learning
Being in therapy doesn’t mean someone is making change. Usually, you can’t know what your date’s therapy sessions are like. Over time, however, you’re likely to learn what brought your date to therapy in the first place. And you can observe whether your date is learning new ways of thinking, and developing skills that allow them to behave in healthier ways.
Triangulation
This strategy is a common narcissistic behavior. In triangulation, your date compares you to someone else (usually an ex or family member). Typically, they compare you unfavorably in order to ramp up insecurity, envy, and jealousy.
People with narcissistic traits sometimes use triangulation as a displacement strategy—that is, they feel uncomfortable (for any reason), then use triangulation as a way to make you feel uncomfortable. Seeing your discomfort temporarily relieves their uncomfortable feelings, as they’ve “displaced” their discomfort onto you.
Triangulation is also common in dating because it clarifies where you’re at with self-worth. The person with narcissistic traits is looking for a specific kind of person, one that is willing to be in relationship with an emotional 4-year-old.
If you love yourself for your unique life story, triangulation won’t be an effective strategy. If you have low self-esteem, and believe you’re only lovable because you’re kinder, prettier, thinner, taller, more successful, etc., then triangulation will probably work well on you. Low self-esteem is a magnet for people with narcissistic traits, because you won’t put up with being in a relationship with an emotional 4-year-old if you have high self-esteem.
Occasionally, triangulation is used by comparing you favorably to someone else. There’s rarely a reason to compare in the dating arena—comparisons are important in competitions, but not relationships. It's fine if your date compliments your posture, or says they love your outfit. But if your date observes you have better posture than their last partner, or mentions how much nicer you dress than their last date, it's probably triangulation.
Previous unresolved relationship issues (they’re still dealing with a previous relationship)
Having a child with an ex isn’t necessarily a red flag, but the way your date is in relationship with their ex definitely can be! If your date’s contact with an ex is for good reason (they have a child in common, have shared friends, run a business together) and the contact is reasonable, then you’ll want to assess how your date treats their ex, and vice versa.
If your date's relationship with their relationship is full of drama, be aware that their issues are likely to spill over into your relationship with your date. And if your date or their ex has difficulty understanding the need for boundaries that protect a new relationship while you’re dating, that’s unlikely to improve as your relationship progresses.
Love bombing
Love bombing is defined as overwhelming a date with affection and attention. I rarely use this term with clients, because it's actually an umbrella term for many of the behaviors we've been discussing--specifically, rushing the relationship, not getting to know your flags, and mirroring.
But because the term love bombing is so popular, it's worth repeating: If your date is showering you with time, attention, gifts, money, etc., they're probably taking advantage of your self-awareness, and hoping to rush the relationship.
As you're dating, I encourage you to keep in mind that pleasant behavior can be faked in the beginning of a relationship, but unpleasant behavior is likely the tip of the iceberg. If you feel uncomfortable with the way your date behaves, and they are unwilling or unable to make relationship amends, things are likely to get worse as your relationship progresses.
If you feel overwhelmed by the idea of sorting through all of the red flags as you're dating, I encourage you to work with a therapist who can help you make sense of dating. You deserve to be in a healthy, happy relationship!
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