Circle of control is a concept I’ve mentioned in several previous posts, but haven’t actually posted about here. It’s one of those constructs that is truly elegant—simple, but profound. As you can see in the picture, it’s represented by three concentric circles.
The innermost circle represents your circle of control. Have you ever thought about what’s really within your control? At the end of the day, all that's in your circle of control is you—your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions. It's the smallest circle, because what's in your circle of control is a much smaller realm than the other circles.
The middle circle is your circle of influence. This circle represents people and situations you influence. For example, your parent, partner, child, friend, boss, co-worker, etc., might be influenced by the things you say and do. You will know and encounter many people throughout your lifetime. So, your circle of influence is a larger realm than your circle of control.
It’s important to be aware that in most relationships, if people are in your circle of influence, it’s because they’ve chosen to be there. This means that people can choose to be in your circle of influence one minute, then choose to be out of your circle of influence the next.
It’s equally important to note that parent-child relationships are an exception to this general rule. This exception highlights the profound responsibility parents have to their children. As children mature, they can choose whether they are influenced by what parents say and do. Infants, however, cannot choose whether or not they attach to their parents. Nevertheless, infants are deeply influenced by their relationship with their parents. The responsibility of healthy parent-child attachment belongs to parents, not children.
That leaves us with the outermost circle, the circle of no control or influence. Most of life is in this circle, which is why it's the largest of the three. There are countless events outside your control or influence happening every moment, from the macro (the weather) to the micro (a dog barking down the street). And as mentioned, the people and situations in your circle of influence one moment can choose to be in your circle of no control or influence the next.
Most people find circle of control, influence, and no control or influence simple enough to understand. But for as simple as it seems, putting circle of control to work for you can be positively life-altering. For example, circle of control helps you clarify what you’re responsible for, and what you’re not. You’re responsible for what’s in your circle of control, and what you do in your circle of influence. So, you’re responsible for what you say and do, and you have a responsibility to be a positive influence in your circle of influence.
Circle of control highlights the importance of being aware of how influential your actions and words can be, while also highlighting where your responsibilities end. While what you say and do doesn’t control what others say and do, your actions and words can influence others’ thoughts, feelings, and actions. What you say and do, as well as what you choose not to say or do, can be a positive or negative influence for someone in your circle of influence. Your words and actions can also influence someone to come into your circle of influence, or choose to stay in your circle of no control or influence.
However, circle of control makes it clear that ultimately, how others think, feel, and act is in their circle of control, not yours. If you are acting positively from your circle of control and allowing that to radiate positively through your circle of influence, your responsibility ends there.
Keeping circle of influence in mind can help you tremendously with understanding others’ behavior, and responding from your circle of control. Toddlers and teenagers are good examples of people who tend to move in and out of circles of influence unpredictably. And as we’ve explored, people with narcissistic traits are emotionally immature, which means they tend to move in and out of your circle of influence unpredictably as well. Being aware of this can help you stay in your circle of control, and use your influence positively instead of getting caught up in their immature behavior.
Unfortunately, it can be all-too-easy to forget where your circles of control and influence begin and end. It can be tempting to walk outside your circles of control and influence, and try to get into someone else’s circle of control. Once you’re outside your circle of control, your influence is likely to be negative (people don't like feeling controlled!), and your efforts to influence are likely to be ineffective. It makes more sense to stay in your circle of control, and allow your positive actions and words to ripple through your circle of influence.
One of the things that happens when you spend more time in your circle of control or your circle of influence is that you have more time and energy for the things that are in your circle of control. This is a critical concept if you’re in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits. Self-centeredness and a lack of empathy are two narcissistic traits that make it difficult to positively influence someone with narcissistic traits. Considering whether the person you’re trying to influence is even in your circle of influence, before you try to influence them, can save you considerable time and energy. You can then use that time and energy wisely within your circle of control or circle of influence instead!
Circle of control applies to weight management, too. Diets promote the belief that weight loss is within your complete control. This is simply not true. It’s true that you can control what you do, and you can choose to do things that influence weight loss, weight maintenance, or weight gain. But these truths mean that your weight itself is within your influence, not your control.
There are many aspects of weight management that are outside your control or influence, like medications, genetics, and aging. Thinking about weight as something you influence encourages a focus on creating and maintaining a healthy lifestyle that supports a healthy weight. A healthy lifestyle frees you up from yo-yo dieting-weight gain, and helps you avoid gradually gaining weight as you move through the decades. And, of course, you also enjoy the benefits of a healthy lifestyle, rather than focusing on the latest diet fad.
If you grew up with parents who had difficulty with managing their circle of control, you may find it challenging to take responsibility for your circle of control. This can look like feeling overly responsible for others, finding it challenging to manage what is your responsibility, or both. If you need support staying in your circle of control, I encourage you to work with a therapist who can help you sort out what you learned about circle of control, influence, and no control or influence, and help you heal. You deserve a lifetime of good health and happiness!
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