Do you love little things that add up to make a big difference? Today’s topic is an excellent example of how making a simple change in the way you think and talk—and what you listen for when others are talking—can make a powerful difference in the way you think and feel.
What’s the simple change? In your own thinking, and when you’re listening to others talk, listen for the words fault and blame. When you hear them, replace them with the word responsibility.
I’ve been teaching clients this for years, and every time I bring it up in session, it works immediately to help clients feel calmer and see things with more clarity.
So how does it work? The words fault and blame pack an emotional punch. When someone tells you “I blame you for this!” or you think to yourself “It’s all my fault!” it’s easy for the focus to be on feelings, rather than thoughts.
While feelings are valuable information about you and your world, feelings are information, not facts. Focusing only on your feelings can bog you down in sadness, fear, guilt and shame, or anger.
If you’re a moving toward or a moving away personality type, hearing the words fault or blame not only run the risk of amping up your emotions, but also make it more likely that you hyperfocus on the other person’s feelings. If they're upset with you, you probably want to make the other person like you or feel calm again.
If you’re a moving against personality type, you may feel attacked when you hear you’re to blame or you think it’s your fault. That makes it easy to react in anger, and then either shut down or lash out.
Fortunately, there’s an easy way to avoid getting bogged down in your feelings: Shift your thinking from fault and blame to responsibility. When we assign responsibility, it’s easier to stay in thoughts, instead of getting caught up in feelings.
Here's how it works: When someone tells you “It’s your fault I’m angry!” or you think, “No wonder they blame me for this!” shift your thinking to responsibility. So, “It’s your fault I’m angry!” becomes “They think their anger is my responsibility.”
Now the question becomes, What do you think? If you understand Circle of Control, you know that while your actions and words can be the catalysts for others’ thoughts and feelings, ultimately how other people think and feel is in your Circle of Influence, not your Circle of Control. You can take responsibility for what you’ve said and done (and you may be legally responsible for what other people do), but you cannot take responsibility for how other people think and feel. That belongs exclusively to them.
Let’s try another example: “No wonder they blame me for this!” First, let’s rewrite it to reflect responsibility instead of blame, to “No wonder they think this is my responsibility.”
Again, what do you think? Is “this” 100% your responsibility? If you’ve done something regrettable, then taking responsibility and making amends is necessary if you want to repair the relationship. If someone is holding you accountable for how they think and feel, ask yourself what is in your Circle of Control, your Circle of Influence—and, most importantly, what is in your Circle of No Control or Influence.
Sometimes the simple changes can be the most challenging to implement. If you’re struggling to shift your thinking from fault and blame to responsibility, or if staying in your Circle of Control is challenging, I encourage you to reach out to a therapist who can help you discover how to shift your thinking and use your personal power positively, so you can enjoy a lifetime of thriving!
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