While the topic of forgiveness isn’t unique to narcissism recovery, it’s a uniquely important one for people who have been or are in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits. As we’ve explored before, narcissistic traits include self-centeredness; a lack of empathy; an unhealthy need to be seen as good, right, or perfect; entitlement; emotional immaturity (that is, relying on immature ego defenses and logical fallacies); and an unhealthy need for power and control. Essentially, being in relationship with someone with narcissistic traits means you’re in a relationship with an adult who has the emotional life of a 4-year-old.
This being the case, a person with narcissistic traits will struggle with engaging positively in a healthy adult relationship. Ironically, the person with narcissistic traits will need to make relationship repairs more often than someone without narcissistic traits, but because of their lack of empathy, feelings of entitlement, their need to be seen as good, right, or perfect, and their need for power and control, they will find it more challenging to do so.
When a person with narcissistic traits does apologize, you may find it hard to feel forgiveness, especially if you’ve been the target of narcissistic abuse and neglect for years, or even decades. Apologies can bring up some challenging questions: Can you trust their apology? How do you repair the relationship? Should you reconcile and get back into relationship again?
Let’s start by defining the terms forgiveness, reconciliation, apology, and repair:
Forgiveness is accepting that the other person was unable to do better in that moment. That’s it. Many people assume that forgiveness is accepting that the other person was unable to do better in that moment, and then returning to the relationship. This is completely false.
Reconciliation—not forgiveness—is the process of returning to a relationship with someone who has wronged you. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate processes. You can forgive without reconciling. You can reconcile without forgiving. You can forgive and then reconcile. You have choices.
Because forgiveness is not reconciliation, forgiveness is primarily for you. You can forgive without ever sharing that information with the person you’ve forgiven. You can forgive when you’re no contact, or when the person you’re forgiving has died.
Forgiveness, of course, can also be a shared exchange between people. However, forgiveness is just half of the equation that leads to reconciliation. Healthy reconciliation can’t happen without at least an apology.
And unfortunately, many people know nothing about apologizing, or what an apology should include. To the surprise of many people in narcissism recovery, statements like “Well, I’m sorry your feelings got hurt,” or “I’m sorry I made fun of your hair at the party” are not apologies.
An apology includes what you did, why it was wrong, and what you’ll do differently next time. So, an example of an apology would be “I made fun of your hair at the party, and I shouldn’t have. Your feelings matter more to me than getting a laugh. Next time I won’t make jokes at your expense.” Apologies work because they require you to take accountability for your behavior, and to describe how positive change in the relationship is going to happen.
Depending on the seriousness of the relationship rupture, an apology may not be enough. Relationship repair is a next-level apology. In relationship repair, you acknowledge what you did, why it was wrong, and what you’ll do next time, just as in an apology. You also acknowledge that what you did hurt the other person, and it hurts you to know that you hurt them.
So, an example of relationship repair might be, “I made fun of your hair at the party, and that was wrong of me. Your feelings matter more to me than getting a laugh. It really hurts me to know I hurt you. I never want to hurt you like that again. I'm done making jokes at your expense."
When sincere, relationship repair is tremendously healing. When you can believe the other person hurts knowing they hurt you, it’s easier to trust they won’t want to hurt you again.
The ability to apologize and engage in relationship repair is one of the key indicators of second-order change that I listen for when working with clients in narcissism recovery. The person with narcissistic traits who cannot apologize and engage in relationship repair is probably engaging in first-order change. If they're engaging in first-order change, you're signing up for more heartbreak when you reconcile with them.
The person who is willing and able to apologize and engage in relationship repair, then follow through on doing things differently, may be engaging in second-order change. And if there’s second-order change, the relationship can move toward healthfulness.
One final note about forgiveness: It’s important to note that, particularly in the case of chronic abuse or neglect, forgiveness is rarely a one-and-done process. Rather, forgiveness is ongoing.
That means there will be times when it’s easy to look back and acknowledge that the other person was doing the best they could in that moment, and extend forgiveness. There will also be times when you’ll question whether the other person really was doing their best.
In those moments when forgiveness is challenging, it’s imperative that relationship repair has happened. When you question whether the other person was doing their best, then remember that they hurt thinking about how they hurt you, it’s easier to feel safety in the relationship.
If you’re struggling with forgiveness, reconciliation, apologies, or relationship repair, I encourage you to consider seeking out an attachment therapist, or an emotionally focused therapist. These orientations focus on how attachment bonds and emotional connections are ruptured in relationships, and how to repair them. If you were or are in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, you may want to seek an attachment or emotionally focused therapist who specializes in narcissism recovery.
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