Are you dealing with a person with narcissistic traits? If you are, one of the most frustrating aspects of your relationship is undoubtably their chronic use of immature ego defenses, which include projection, denial, and displacement. So, your mental health depends on knowing what these ego defenses are, and how to cope with them.
In this post, we’ll first take a look at why the person with narcissistic traits uses projection. Understanding what’s happening when someone’s using immature ego defenses can help you stay emotionally balanced! We’ll also explore specific steps you can take to stay emotionally balanced when someone you know is projecting.
Why Do People with Narcissistic Traits Rely on Immature Ego Defenses?
Ego defenses, including projection, are ways we defend ourselves when we feel under emotional threat. Projection, denial, and displacement are immature ego defenses that are learned early in childhood. Ego defenses like humor and sublimation are more mature defenses, usually learned in adolescence or adulthood. Using an ego defense isn’t the best possible alternative, but mature ego defenses are usually easier to tolerate in other adults, especially in comparison to the immature ego defenses.
So why do people with narcissistic traits use immature ego defenses? As young children begin to see themselves as separate from their parents, they discover uncomfortable feelings, like worry and shame. These uncomfortable feelings lead children to explore how they can protect themselves from these feelings.
The ego defenses children feel most comfortable using is influenced by their personality. Children who have a moving against personality type are more likely to focus on how they feel, rather than how other people feel. And in a fight-or-flight situation, they are more likely to fight.
Projection, denial, and displacement have one thing in common – they’re intended to make the other person feel uncomfortable, as a way of fighting off uncomfortable feelings. For a young child with a moving against personality, seeing the other person feel uncomfortable is safer than feeling those uncomfortable feelings themselves.
Immature ego defenses are a normal part of childhood growth and development for all children. With nurturing childhood experiences, children with a moving against personality grow into adults who are caring, compassionate, and empathetic. But for children with a moving against personality who experience abuse and neglect, these experiences force them to focus on immature ego defenses to survive. These children then grow into adults whose emotional brains are immature.
What Is Projection?
So, what is projection? Projection is defined as accusing someone else of the behavior you’re engaging in. When you’re on the receiving end of projection, the person with narcissistic traits accuses you of whatever it is that they’re doing, thinking, or feeling. In other words, they project their behavior, thoughts, or feelings on to you.
If you heard "I know you are, but what am I?” on the playground as a kid, you’ve heard projection. Because it’s one of the earliest ego defenses we see in child development, it shouldn’t surprise you that the person with narcissistic traits uses it often. They’ve had this tool in their toolbelt since they began speaking in complete sentences!
The good news is that when this happens, chances are the person with narcissistic traits is telling you what narcissistic tools they are using. If a person with narcissistic traits tells you that you’re “controlling,” “selfish,” “only think about yourself,” “don’t care about how I feel,” “are projecting,” or you “always want to argue,” they are about to use power and control, be self-centered, unempathetic, use projection, use displacement, etc.
You can see how projection can be crazy-making. They’re engaging in narcissistic behaviors, then accusing you of the very behaviors they’re using!
I can’t overstress how important it is that you use your knowledge of immature ego defenses, child development, and narcissistic behavior in order to understand and fully accept these two truths: First, people with narcissistic traits will use projection on you, and they will do it often. Second, people with narcissistic traits are engaging in projection toward you, not because of you. It’s happening because the person with narcissistic traits is emotionally immature, and engaging in immature ego defenses.
That said, it’s emotionally uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of projection. The person with narcissistic traits is physically an adult, and intellectually an adult. It’s easy to forget that emotionally, they’re a 4-year-old, not an adult.
So, if you’re in relationship with a person with narcissistic traits, you need a strategy for addressing projection. I teach my clients a set of tools that are designed to get you out of your feelings brain, and back into your thinking brain. It’s hard to be calm, confident, and courageous when you’re emotionally overwhelmed! Let’s take a look at the tools, so you can handle it calmly when a person with narcissistic traits uses projection.
Manage Your Receiving Boundaries
Whenever you engage with a person with narcissistic traits, it’s your responsibility to keep in mind that ultimately, they’re an emotional 4-year-old. When they lose emotional balance, they’ll act like a 4-year-old. Being aware of this makes it easier to distance yourself emotionally, and decide what you're going to receive from the other person. Having healthy receiving boundaries gives you the emotional balance you need to stay calm and act confidently.
The True-Helpful test is an easy way to strengthen your receiving boundaries. Ask yourself: Is what they’re saying true? Is it helpful? If it’s not true, or helpful, pull up your receiving boundary, and reject what you've heard.
Identify the Narcissistic Trait Being Used
The second step is to identify what narcissistic trait is in play. In this case, we’re looking at projection. From this moment forward, always remember you are expecting your person with narcissistic traits to use projection, so when they do, it doesn’t catch you off-guard. When it happens, congratulate yourself on how prepared you are!
Manage Your Giving Boundaries
Once you know what you’re dealing with, you can move on to deciding how to respond. Because engaging with an adult who acts like an emotional 4-year-old can knock you off-balance emotionally, it’s easy to fall into the trap of letting down your giving boundaries, and responding emotionally. This usually looks like JADEing.
JADE is an acronym for Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain, which we’ve talked about here. When people hear things (especially about themselves) that aren’t true, a common response is to forget to think about what they’re going to say, and instead, say whatever comes to mind to justify, argue, defend, or explain.
Unfortunately, JADEing doesn’t work very well, and it definitely doesn’t work with people with narcissistic traits. If it worked, you wouldn’t be here, reading this blog post right now. You’d be enjoying a happy, healthy relationship with your person with narcissistic traits!
So, in order to respond assertively instead, you’ll need to notice your thoughts, and if your thoughts include justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining, stop. Take a deep breath, and refrain from responding until you’re calm. You may need to take a walk, excuse yourself to go to the restroom, text a friend, or use another technique (like grounding techniques or tapping) to help you feel calmer. Either way, make sure you’re calm enough to avoid JADEing before moving on to the next step.
What’s Your Goal?
Since you aren’t going to JADE, you’ll need to decide how you’d like to respond. Before you do, you’ll need to know why you want or need to respond. So, ask the question, What’s my goal?
You may need to respond for court purposes. You may need to set a limit for your own or your child’s well-being. These are both goals that require assertive communication, but don’t require JADEing.
Before you answer this question, be sure you’re keeping circle of control in mind. If you’re not in the other person’s circle of influence, engaging with them is unlikely to be effective unless they’re in emotional balance. JADEing with an upset 4-year-old rarely works, and it’s not likely to work with an adult engaging in projection, either.
Often, you can ignore projection. People with narcissistic traits are fond of using projection to get a reaction, in the hope that you’ll JADE in response. Don't fall for it! Think about it: If you try to argue with someone who says “I know you are, but what am I?” you’re not likely to get far in trying to convince them of what they are. If you do argue with them about what they are, ultimately you end up looking immature and out of control.
What Can I Do from My Circle of Control?
Once you’ve settled on your goal, the next question is: What can I do from my circle of control to move toward my goal? You may need to consult with your attorney, talk to a friend or family member, discuss it with your therapist, write in your journal, or compose an assertive response. You may choose not to respond at all, or wait until later, when the person with narcissistic traits is in emotional balance. Whatever you choose to do, you’ll now be making a calm, thoughtful decision and taking action that you believe will benefit you, rather than reacting to the other person’s immature ego defenses.
Depending on your childhood experiences, you may find it difficult or impossible to follow through on these steps until you unpack thoughts and feelings from childhood. If so, again, I encourage you to work with a therapist who specializes in narcissism recovery. It is possible to heal from those hurts, and stay in emotional balance when someone with narcissistic traits is engaging in immature ego defenses and other narcissistic tools!
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