If you're familiar with the language of narcissism recovery, you've probably heard of love bombing -- going over the top with attention and affection, which encourages the recipient to ignore reality testing and rush the relationship. But love bombing isn't the only way to get around reality testing. People with narcissistic tendencies use a variety of techniques to rush a relationship, and make it more difficult for you to leave once you realize who they really are.
So, what is rushing the relationship? It's complicated, because a relationship can be rushed physically, emotionally, financially, and relationally. Let's take a look at each of the ways to rush a relationship:
Physically
Our culture generally accepts, and even encourages, physical intimacy in the dating context. But should you? I define physical intimacy as consensual touch that you would not initiate with or appreciate from a stranger. It's possible to engage in physical intimacy, and not feel emotionally closer. That said, physical intimacy affects the brain as well as the body. Physical touch calms the brain and encourages bonding through the release of oxytocin, endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin. Physical touch also reduces stress hormones like cortisol and norepinephrine. (This is part of what makes massages so relaxing.) Physical touch not only feels good, but it can change how you think and feel about the person with whom you're physically intimate.
The key word in that last sentence is can--it can change how you think and feel about the person with whom you're physically intimate. Many people believe—incorrectly—that there is a direct relationship between physical intimacy and emotions. That is, they believe “they kissed me/snuggled with me/had sex with me, and that means they love me...and won’t leave me.” The assumptions here include that 1) your partner engages in physical touch for the same reasons you do, and 2) your partner is capable of emotional closeness.
However, people with narcissistic traits have limited ability to care about how others feel. This limitation makes it difficult for them to experience emotional closeness. It doesn't stop them from enjoying physical intimacy, but it does mean that the brain chemicals released during physical intimacy won't affect them the way those same brain chemicals affect someone who has the capacity to care about others' feelings.
That's problematic, because if you're capable of caring, physical intimacy affects your brain differently than it affects someone who isn't capable of caring. I regularly see clients rush the relationship with physical intimacy, then regret later it when they discover their new partner with narcissistic traits isn't affected by physical intimacy.
Emotionally
Another way people rush the relationship is by rushing emotionally--that is, feeling closeness, care, and consideration for someone, before you actually know who they are. Love bombing is one way of engaging in emotional rushing the relationship, but it's critical to recognize it's not the only way. Future faking (or future travel) is a term often used in narcissism recovery to refer to a person with narcissistic traits talking about desirable events that will happen in the future, which they have no intention of following through on.
But what I see far more often than future faking or future travel is people without narcissistic traits failing to reality test, and instead, creating an imaginary future with their new partner. A friend of mine from high school met a man online, got engaged, and met him for the first time with the intention of getting married that same day, all within the span of a few months. (They mutually ended the relationship when they met.) My friend rushed the relationship as much as he did. She wanted to believe she was lovable. She didn't want to be alone, or continue with the challenges of dating. Instead of reality testing, she allowed herself to believe he was everything he told her he was, and she rushed headlong into caring for who she thought he was.
Her experience is extreme, but many people find themselves thinking far beyond the next date, long before they've done any serious reality testing. If you've just started reality testing, but you've found yourself thinking about how you'll celebrate the next holiday together or what you'd like to get them for their birthday in a few months, you're rushing the relationship emotionally.
Financially
Have you seen “The Tinder Swindler”? It details the story of several women who experienced rushing the relationship on every level, but focuses on rushing the relationship financially. In this variation of rushing the relationship, your partner asks you for money, or they take advantage of resources you have. They move into your place, drive your car, borrow money, ask you to pay a bill, use your passwords for streaming services, ask you to add them to your phone plan, ask you to co-sign a loan, eat most meals at your place, or find ways to ensure you pay for meals. (I've heard every single one of these, most often from people who are struggling to make ends meet. If you're thinking you're not rich enough to fall for this, don't make that mistake!)
Financially rushing the relationship is so common it won't take you longer than a half-hour on any online dating site to see people posting "no scams" in their profile. A quick Internet search will provide thousands of links for "sweetheart scam" or "romance scam." A few years ago, I read a post by a woman who stated she regularly gave money to men she met on a dating site if they asked, as she considered it a way of "giving to the poor."
But financially rushing the relationship can't be blamed on the Internet. Saffire--The Uppity Blues Women's 1996 song "Bad Debt" describes financially (and physically) rushing the relationship to a tee: "The night we met, you were looking good...I took you home, and fixed you some food...We kissed and hugged until the morning light...Now how was I to know that your intentions weren't right? That was three years ago, and you're still here, stretched out on my couch, drinking all my beer...I'm paying all the bills while you watch TV."
You don't need to get suckered by an online scammer to fall prey to financially rushing the relationship. You do need to keep in mind that, as with any form of rushing the relationship, it takes two to tango.
Relationally
Finally, people can rush a relationship by rushing relationally. This happens when people assume the relationship is more intimate than it is. Perhaps the most common (and seemingly innocent) way to rush a relationship relationally is the "Good morning!" text the next morning after chatting online, or after a first date. Unless your date has something to ask or say, this text is probably rushing the relationship relationally.
Ask yourself these questions: When was the last time you texted every family member and friend you know to wish them a good morning? Do you text your co-workers every morning? How about your ex?
People usually don't do this. Why? The "good morning" (and "good night") text is a common theme in memes, because it's understood that the "good morning" text exchange has a certain kind and degree of intimacy: "We care about each other, so we talk to each other, on a personal level, every day, throughout the day." It taps into the basic human need for safety--when someone is keeping an eye out for us, we feel safer. That feeling of being seen and cared about makes it easy to rush the relationship and skip right over reality testing, which asks the question, "Is this person keeping an eye out for me because they're actually concerned about my well-being?"
Sometimes people rush the relationship relationally themselves. They miss the intimacy of sharing coffee and breakfast, or going grocery shopping with a partner. Even though they haven't reality tested their new partner adequately, they allow themselves these relational intimacies. Or, they stop dating other people and settle into the new relationship before they've reality tested their new partner.
Regardless of the ways in which a relationship is being rushed, it happens often. It's easy to do, because rushing the relationship takes advantage of your own self-awareness. You know you're a terrific person, and you're an amazing catch. So why wouldn't this new person want you? The question isn't whether or not you're desirable. The questions are, of course, How do you know this person is worthy of you? and How do they know that you're a terrific person and an amazing catch, if they haven't reality tested you?
The last line in the phrase from the song "Bad Debt" goes "...I think it's time I underwent some psychotherapy!" If you fall prey to rushing the relationship, consider working with a therapist who can support you as you make your way through dating. You deserve to be in a healthy, happy relationship with yourself and others!
Like what you're reading?
Click here to subscribe,
scroll down to leave a comment or a rating,
or click on the three dots at the top of the page to share with a friend!
© 2024 by Donna Acosta, PLLC. Powered and secured by Wix
Comentarios