Over the years, I’ve worked with many clients who wanted learn new communication skills. Sometimes they want to learn what assertive communication is, and how it can help them. Some clients are looking for specific words or phrases they can use to communicate more assertively. But sometimes, clients come in to session frustrated because they’ve been working on assertive language, and they're finding it hard to remember to use what they’ve learned. Sometimes clients come in disappointed because even when they remember to use assertive language, they don't feel comfortable doing so.
When clients and I explore what’s going on, what we discover is that it’s not a problem with the words clients are using. While word choice clearly makes a difference in communication, it’s a much smaller part of communication than the way you speak and how you use your body while speaking. Dr. Mehrabian, an often-quoted researcher who studied communication in the 1960s, found that only 7% of meaning was communicated through word choice.
That’s not to say that the words you choose aren’t important, of course. Saying “You better stop talking to me like that,” versus “I’m not comfortable with you speaking to me like that,” communicate the same message, but the first is aggressive, while the second is assertive.
But consider how you can say the exact same words, like “That’s a nice shirt,” or “I love your haircut,” and those same words can have very different meanings. If you say those phrases with a sarcastic tone and an eye roll, you communicate an entirely different message than if you say them cheerfully with a smile. If you say “I’m not going to tolerate you speaking to me like that!” in a wavering voice with your shoulders hunched and your arms across your chest, your words will have far less impact than if your voice is firm and calm, and your posture is confident.
So, if it’s not the words we use, what makes up most of communication? Mehrabian found that 38% of communication is expressed through voice quality, which is made up of voice volume, voice tone, and voice pitch. Voice quality is affected by many things, but two of these – breathing and posture – are important to be aware of if you’re communicating with someone who has narcissistic traits, and you intend to sound assertive.
Being aware of breathing is important because most people find dealing narcissistic behavior uncomfortable. When people feel uncomfortable, their body shifts into a stress response – what’s often called fight or flight. The stress response can also include fawning, when people try to be pleasing to the other person, or freezing, when people just freeze up (often referred to as "the deer in the headlights" response).
Regardless of whether you fight, flee, fawn, or freeze, when you’re stressed, your breaths become shallow. This makes your voice volume either too loud or too quiet, thins out your voice tone, and raises the pitch of your voice. Instead of sounding confident, you sound either aggressive or fearful.
Posture affects breathing, too. When you’re slumped over, it’s harder to take a regular breath. You’ll see the same changes to your voice quality, and you’ll sound less assertive. Of course, posture also affects how people perceive you, regardless of your voice quality. If you’re hunched over, you’ll be perceived as less confident. Crossing your arms over your chest makes you look as though you’re protecting yourself.
And because Mehrabian found that 55% of communication is expressed through body language and facial expression, you can guess posture matters. But posture is just a part of that 55% of communication. Body language and facial expression includes the way you look at the other person, and the way you move your face and body, while you are both listening and responding. Eye contact, the way you move your eyebrows or mouth, whether you talk with your hands or not, whether you sit still or squirm, how close or how far away you are from one another, whether or not you touch each other – everything about the way you look and move your face and body are part of facial expression and body language.
To make things even more complicated, many aspects of facial expression and body language vary by culture. Basic facial gestures – smiling when you’re happy, frowning when you’re sad – are inherent across cultures. Beyond that, there’s a wide range of cultural expectations. In some cultures, looking directly at the person speaking is considered assertive, while in other cultures, it’s aggressive. The same goes for physical touch and physical closeness. Whether or not you touch while talking, and how close you sit or stand while talking, varies widely across cultures.
Regardless of culture, the thing I’ve found that significantly influences voice quality, facial expression, and body language are the core beliefs you have about being assertive. If you feel uncomfortable asserting yourself, it won’t matter how much you know about Mehrabian’s research, how much you practice voice quality, facial expression, or body language skills, or how well you know cultural expectations. You won’t feel confident using what you know! On the other hand, if you feel confident being assertive, you’ll be able to put your confidence together with your knowledge of cultural expectations, and use your facial expressions and body language to communicate assertively.
When I talk with clients about assertive communication, we start by exploring the Bill of Assertive Rights from Dr. Manuel Smith’s book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. I strongly recommend his book, particularly if you have a person in your life with narcissistic traits. Smith describes several assertive communication skills that are invaluable if you communicate with someone with narcissistic traits, including fogging, negative inquiry, and negative assertion.
Are you wondering how you’re doing with believing you have the right to assert yourself? Here are the ten items on Smith's Bill of Assertive Rights:
You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take responsiblity for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.
You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems.
You have the right to change your mind.
You have the right to make mistakes -- and be responsible for them.
You have the right to say, "I don't know."
You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
You have the right to say, "I dont understand."
You have the right to say, "I don't care."
You have the right to say no, without feeling guilty!
As you read through the Bill, how many of the Rights did you feel comfortable reading? How many of these do you believe to be true? Do you live up to your beliefs?
If you find that it’s hard for you to believe that you have the right to be assertive, especially if you’ve tried to use assertive communication skills in the past, you might benefit from working with a therapist to help you uncover the reasons you’re uncomfortable being assertive. Your therapist can also help you practice assertive communication skills, so you can feel more prepared when you need to be assertive.
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